


The Pain of Remembering

by therosesociiety



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:17:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7447462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therosesociiety/pseuds/therosesociiety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>COHF Spoilers: What if Simon wasn't the only one to lose their memory in the demon realm?</p><p>(I have posted this on FF but I am also posting it on here now)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I do not own the characters from the Mortal Instruments or the Infernal Devices

_'I shall rip a hole through the heart of your world'-Asmodeus_

_Page 641 -Judas Kiss (City of Heavenly Fire)_

Clary Pov:

'His memories' Asmodeus said. My heart rate picked up, the world started spinning faster and faster and faster. I could faintly hear Isabelle chanting 'no, no, no' in the background but I couldn't focus on that. My mind had gone to countless sleepovers, cinema trips, school trips, days doing nothing but playing Dungeons and Dragons. Simon is my best friend and I can't let this happen, it's my fault we're in this mess.

I look at those around me who are basically family: Isabelle, clutching onto Simon her dark eyes a prison of tears that she doesn't want to let free. Alec watching Magnus with a furiosity that makes that simple act look personal and heartbreaking. And finally Jace. My Jace. The boy who terrified and annoyed me in our first encounter. The boy who has shielded his emotions away for so long and has only started showing them. The boy who gave me his heart willingly and trusted me to keep it safe, not knowing that I was about to break into a million pieces.

I ready myself for the oncoming anger that I will receive, the hate in the looks of those I love so much. I raise my head and with a surprisingly steady voice I say 'No. It's my fault, all of this is my fault. Take my memories' I stare directly at Asmodeus' cat-like grin, ignoring the surprised looks off of Isabelle, Magnus and Alec. Ignoring the shock that rolls of Simon like a tidal wave and ignoring the hurt and pain on Jace's face.

Jace grabs my arm in a vice like grip and pulls me towards him in a smooth but fast pull, he puts his hand under my chin of my downcast face and slowly brings it up to his burning gold eyes with show frantic despair. 'Why would you say that? Why?' Jace's voice is low, deadly. 'We have literally been through Hell together and now you want to throw it away? Do you realise how selfish that is?' he drops my chin and my arm and starts to pace running shaking hands through his honeysuckle hair. I want to take it back, I don't want to leave him but it would be more selfish of me to not give Simon this chance. It was my fault he is a vampire, he didn't choose it but he has learned to live with it, he fell in love and I can't let him throw that away just because of a mistake I made. I steel myself, knowing that this is what I have to do. I turn to Asmodeus, who looks bored yet intrigued at the same time, when suddenly a small voice whispers 'you can't do this Clary, please don't do this' I look over at Simon, Isabelle draped over him staring at me with imploring eyes, and I instantly know I have to do this.

Asmodeus is staring at me as though I am his prey and he is the mighty hunter. His eyes flicker for a moment between Simon and I until a falsely innocent smile is placed on his face 'Very well' he says 'Since you are willing I shall take your memories. Both of your memories'


	2. Chapter 2

' _Hearts are breakable.' -Isabelle_

_(City of Fallen Angels)_

Clary Pov:

The slit in the curtains let a mixture of amber and gold into my bedroom that landed directly into my eye-line, immediately jostling me awake. I chance a peek at my alarm clock praying that I will have at least another hour of sleep until I have to be awake for school, but sadly I have only woken up ten minutes early.

I slowly sit up, trying to work out the kinks in my back and I slip out of bed and head towards the bathroom opposite of my moms and Luke's room. I slip inside, lock the door and quickly turn the shower on. When the shower is hot enough I shed my pyjamas and hop inside. Whilst in the middle of letting the water cascade over me, I start to think of my Mom and Luke. For the past few months now, they have been watching me, almost as though they are studying me. They think I don't notice but I do. I notice how they watch me leave with Simon, how they sneak in my room at night as if almost to check if I was still there. How they both have started to try and spend more time with me. My mom almost jumping at the chance to take me shopping or Luke taking me on a surprise trip to an Art Fair. Maybe they're just worried I'll feel left out with their upcoming wedding, I don't know.

I finally finish washing my hair and wrap the towel around myself and head back to my room. I notice I have forty-five minutes until Simon is going to be here, which probably means in he'll turn up fifteen minutes early with a black coffee and a toasted bagel for me.

I quickly blow dry my hair and shove it up into a quick ponytail and decide to wear a fitted pair of black jeans and checkered button-down shirt. Just as i'm slipping my boots on I hear the doorbell ring and know that my breakfast and Simon have arrived. I grab my bag and head towards the kitchen as I can already smell the richness of my coffee.

I enter the kitchen and notice three things: One, my mom is talking to a very tall brunette girl. Two, Simon is sat on the breakfast bar eating his bagel and talking to Luke but keeps checking out said brunette girl and three, the brunette girl is checking out Simon.

I go and sit besides Simon who gives me my coffee and bagel and whispers to me 'Hey, who is _that'_ whilst giving the brunette girl a subtle once over. All of a sudden a sharp pain twists my gut and I don't understand why. I don't care that Simon is openly ogling this new girl, he can stare at whoever he wants. I take a quick sip of my coffee and not trusting my voice, for some bizarre reason, I just settle for a quick shrug and smile which feels more like grimace than anything. Simon gives me a quick once-over as though he know's there is something wrong, he opens his mouth to ask when all of a sudden my mother embraces me from behind and says 'Clarissa! I didn't realise you was awake!' she lets go of me and gestures towards the brunette who is leaning against the wall 'This is Isabelle, daughter of an old friend of mine'


	3. Chapter 3

' _That's Clary; she's my best friend '-Simon_

_(City of Fallen Angels)_

Simon's Pov:

I enter the apartment building for Clary's home trying to get up the million steps on the stupid staircase whilst juggling food and coffee. I'm pretty sure this is how I'm going to die, I'm going to miss a step and fall to my doom with coffee and bagels. How heroic. Pretty sure that'll make Clary fall in love with me.

I'm almost at the top of the staircase when I the bag of bagels fall out of my hands, trying to figure out how to balance hot coffee and grabbing them when I see a porcelain hand reach out to grab them. I turn around and I'm almost stunned by what I see, a statuesque girl with flowing locks of mahogany and eyes of pure chocolate, surely she is an angel! My suspicion of her angelic qualities is only confirmed when she starts to speak with a voice as smooth as liquid gold 'Hello, need any help there?' I realise that I've been staring at her and I mutely shake my head and grab the offered bagels off of her. I nod my thanks and rush up the remaining steps only to notice that this beautiful girl is following me upwards. I turn towards her, slightly unnerved that someone could walk in shoes that have a heel that look about eight inches or higher at this speed. 'Can I help you?' I say in a puzzled tone, why is she following me? Surely Clary would of mentioned having a friend like this. She laughs, a quite tinkling laugh, which is extremely unlike Clary's boisterous laugh, and says 'I'm looking for the Fair..Fray household' once again words have escaped me and I can only nod mutely and gesture for her to follow me.

I finally reach the door and let myself in, and I expect her to wait in the door but she follows me in and walks past me leaving me to close the door. She immediately walks over to a startled Jocelyn, who then upon noticing me gives me a wave and a smile and motions me to the kitchen where Luke is barely awake lying against the breakfast bar. I stifle a laugh when he gives me a half-hearted nod and reaches for his coffee as I head over.

I reach Luke and sit by his side, grinning at his apparent tiredness, he looks over and rolls his eyes and says 'Shut up Simon' to which I laugh outright and go to grab my bagel. As I do, I notice the girl from the stairway staring at me, do I have something on my face? I quickly check my reflection in the window across from me, no nothing there. I look back to the girl and notice once again she is looking, I'm about to turn and ask Luke who she is when Clary sits on the remaining stool, looking suspiciously at the visitor. I immediately give her, her breakfast and casually lean over and ask 'Hey, who is _that_ '. Judging by the withering look she gave me I obviously know that was not the right question to ask.

I casually look her up and down, hoping she doesn't really notice since she's staring at this new girl. Clary has always been my best friend, since we was in Kindergarten. She's been there for my mothers rants and all of my sisters boyfriends and I've always been there for her mother's constant questions and Luke's knowing looks about when she would _really_ be home. I don't know how but along the way, I fell in love with her. Yes I can admire other girls, like the brunette with the shockingly short skirt, but no one will ever be my Clary. Even now, with her tight jeans, her checkered top and her sloppy ponytail she looks perfect to me.

I finally look away from Clary and catch the end of Jocelyn's sentence, so the brunette is called Isabelle? I know in Hebrew that Isabelle means 'devoted to God' but the way she is glaring at me right now makes me wonder if she's calling on Satan to end me. Why is she staring at me like this? I don't know this girl.

I look to Clary who has obviously noticed the gir...Isabelle's fierce glare and is sending one back of her own. Is she..Is Clary jealous of this girl looking at me? I haven't got time for that daydream to come now where both girls fight for my honour, we have to get to school. I look to Clary and I can't help the small smile that comes to my face and I have to fight a bigger one when I see her blush. 'Come on Fray' I say. 'Got to get to school'.

Clary jumps up to go and and grab her jacket from her room and Jocelyn comes over to give me a hug, which until recently would be a strange occurrence. 'Watch out going to school, okay Simon? Oh and if you're coming over tonight we're having Mexican' she rubs my arms and goes to Isabelle. When Clary finally arrives back she gives Luke and her mom and hug and kiss and nods goodbye to Isabelle. I head to the door to open it for Clary who is just nodding at her moms demands to keep safe and I notice Luke smiling and shaking his head at the exasperated Clary and the frowning Jocelyn, he catches my eye and holds up his cup in a silent goodbye which I respond with a subtle nod of the head.

When Clary is finally released from her mother's clutches, we race down the stairs and into the crisp air of February and head towards St Xavier's high school where we are in our Sophomore year. The ground is still slippy from the snow over the weekend so I grab the crook of Clary's elbow just to make sure she won't fall. She looks at me out the corner of her eye and starts to smile. Not the slight smile Isabelle gave, but the genuinely happy smile that is usually reserved for me and me alone. Because of the smile she gives me I'm forced to ask what she's smiling at which she only responds in a loud laugh and says 'If that Isabelle had a little bit more squint to her glare she could win _America's Next Top Model'._ At this I can't help but laugh and pull her toward me and move my arm to around her shoulders.

For the next ten minutes of our walk to school Clary and I are both doing impressions of Isabelle's catlike walk, with Clary shaking her hips every once in a while, which I don't think she realises is very, _very_ distracting. I attempt to do the same thing but whilst I am doing the last thrust I accidentally crash into another street walker. I almost fall to the floor and would have done if Clary hadn't of caught me. I stand straight and start hurtling out apology after apology to the stranger. He stands and looks at me, almost appraisingly as though he is judging every aspect of me with his golden eyes, his head quickly turns to Clary and with a low, smooth voice says 'keep your boyfriend on a leash will ya' don't want him to ruin someone else's morning.'

Clary, speaking for the first time, walks the extra two steps so she is in the strangers personal bubble and looks up at him menacingly, or what she thinks looks menacing, she is five foot after all and is looking up at him, she pokes the strangers chest with a quick harsh jab and says 'Excuse me, how dare you say that. Simon does not deserve to be on a leash and he apologised countless times. Who the hell do you think you are?' Throughout Clary's speech I noticed that she did not refute the fact that I was boyfriend, maybe she thought it wasn't worth mentioning?

Whilst my conscious is running amok with imaginings of Clary declaring her love for me, the stranger starts to answer. 'Who am I?' he says 'I am everything you have ever wanted' with a sharp laugh he starts retreating backwards and with a growing smile on his face he says 'But my friends call me Jace'


	4. Chapter 4

_love you, and I will love you until I die and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then.- Jace_

_(City of Glass)_

Jace Pov:

As I turn once again from Clary and Simon, my smile instantly drops. For the past two months I have avoided her. If she was brought up in conversation, I left the room. If I saw her on the street, I walked into the nearest shop or alleyway. Part of me hates her, she gave up. She gave up on Shadowhunters. She gave up what we have been through. She gave up on _us_.

We went through Sebastian, Valentine, Demons together. We went through if we're really brother and sister. We went through so much and when we thought we lost, we carried on but when we actually won, she gave up.

Whilst part of me does hate her, the stronger part of me still loves her. She was my everything, she was the reason I woke in the morning, the reason I began to let my emotions show. She was the reason I wanted to be the best for her, but it seems it wasn't good enough. _I_ wasn't good enough.

Alec has told me that I need to move on, that it's not good for me to pine over her, which I steadily replied that he pined over Magnus for a lot longer than I was with Clary.

I understand why she did it, she thought that it was her fault. Her fault Simon got turned into a vampire, her fault that Sebastian attacked everyone and killed countless people. Whilst I understand it, I don't like it. I want to wake up in her arms again like I did in the cave. I want to go into the training room and see her practise. I want to go into her room and watch her draw me when she thinks I'm not looking. I just need her back in my life, I need her now more than ever.

I've been invited to Jocelyn and Luke's wedding but _she'll_ be there and _he'll_ be there draped over her like he used to be. Before I was in the picture, when she thought that Simon was the man she was going to marry because she thought no one else would come around.

These days I try not to stay at the institute for too long, it's always the same. Alec will send me a sad smile and try to hide he is not completely happy with Magnus. Isabelle will pretend everything is okay and will train from dawn to dusk when she's not holed up in her room probably crying.

I need Clary back, and the way I handled it then was not how it was going to happen. I turn around to offer some sort of apology and see Clary hugging Simon so tightly, so _intimately,_ she looks as though she will squeeze the life out of him.

I carry on walking down the street trying to get the picture of Simon and Clary, of course they hugged when we was together but that was when I knew she loved me not him. I wonder what they've been up to, I bet he still stays over. I bet he sleeps in her bed and watches her sleep. I bet when he hugs her he drags his fingers up and down her back to make her shiver. Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and... 'excuse me' a soft voice say's behind me. I stop and turn around, a flushed Clary stands there, her face torn between annoyance and pity. She looks like she doesn't want to be here, but yet she is. She holds her head high, her vibrant ponytail bobbing as she does and speaks with a confident voice 'I don't like what you did to Simon it, yeah it was his fault but no need to be a jackass about it, he apologised' she folds her arms and cocks her hip 'but, what sort of person would I be if I didn't give you this' she holds out my wallet. It must have fallen out of my pocket when Simon bumped into me, I can only hope she didn't look inside. She would have seen a picture of us two together sat with Church at the Institute. I look up and see that annoyance has won out over pity. 'Well no need to say thank you, just stare at me that's all the thanks I need' she turns to walk away when I reach forward and grab her arm and put on my most charming smile and say 'Thanks' at her sceptical look i add 'No really, it means a lot that you would take my wallet just to talk to me' I give her a wink and see her flushed face turn scarlet as she shakes her head and walks back to a glaring Simon.

I give out a small laugh, it will take a long time but one day she'll be mine again.

I head back to the Institute but as I walk past Clary's home I see Isabelle walk out and immediately stop when she sees me. I raise an eyebrow at her silently asking what she is doing _there._ Her face is a picture of apprehension and guilt. She starts to walk away, thinking she can walk away from this problem, by the angel I know you can't.

'Izzy' I start as I fall in step with her 'Why was you there?' There is complete silence. 'Isabelle, why was you there?' my voice a lot firmer than before. She looks at me out the corner of her eye and in a quiet, defeated voice I have never heard her use before she responds 'I went to see if...if anything had happened. If they had remembered anything. If Simon' she suddenly stop talking and you don't have to be a genius to figure out what the rest of the sentence was ' _If Simon remembered me'_

We continue the walk in silence, there seems to be lots of that recently: silence. No more of Simon's ramblings about Dungeons and Dragons. No more of Clary's laugh ringing through the institute.

Isabelle suddenly stops and turns to me, her eyes frantic and wide. Her lips trembling. She opens and closes her mouth several times until finally she says 'They invited us around for tea. All of us'

I suddenly understand why she is so scared, what if we find out that they are together now, Clary didn't say Simon wasn't her boyfriend before. She didn't seem to care when I insinuated it. I swallow my fear and crack a smile that I hope is not a grimace 'Well' I say 'Lets not ignore free food'


	5. Chapter 5

' _I care about what happens to you! Dammit'-Simon_

_(City of Lost Souls)_

Simon Pov:

Clary and I get to school with only a few minutes to spare and are in our English seats when the bell actually goes off. She's quiet and I'm not sure why, I'm about to ask her but our teacher tells us to get a _Tale of Two Cities_ out and my chance to talk to her is gone.

I zone out when our teacher is droning on about this book, I haven't read it and I probably will never read it. Instead of focussing on it my mind wanders to Isabelle. She was so beautiful, unlike Clary, no one is like Clary. But Isabelle, she seems familiar and I don't know why. I feel like I know her but that I don't at the same time. I wonder if she feels the same, maybe that's why she was glaring at Clary and I this morning? Why was she glaring at us? She had seemed so nice when it was just us two talking but once Clary came in, Isabelle's ice went frosty and her body rigid.

And what was with Clary? Glaring right back at her, looking angry at me for, well checking Isabelle out. She has never hinted at wanting a relationship with me. Sure she hugs me all the time and I always sleep over at her house even when Luke and Jocelyn aren't there. Does she recognise Isabelle and that's what brought the sudden anger on? Do they not like each other? But then Jocelyn introduced Clary to Isabelle then and there. So that can't be it.

Before I know it, I'm walking down to maths with Clary by my side. She abruptly turns towards me biting her lip, she looks nervous and I'm not sure why. I smile down to her and put my hands on her forearms hopefully calming her down, when suddenly she reaches up and kisses me on the corner of my mouth, it was only fleeting but it was still a kiss. I see splotches of red appear across her cheeks and i don't have to see it to know my face is the same. I open my mouth to say something, anything but all that comes out is a puff of air and suddenly, as though remembering where we was, she mumbled a quick 'meet you at lunch' and walked past me towards her next lesson. Huh, guess today is the day of weird things to happen.

I start walking towards maths and realise she kissed me in the hallway and now people are watching, great. I quickly make it to maths without running into anyone and let the the class role on by.

By the time dinner comes, I'm a nervous wreck, I'm sweating in places I didn't realise you could sweat. I start to walk to towards the art room, which is where we usually eat our dinner. I stand at the door, trying to will myself to go in and when I finally do, I don't know why I hesitated. Clary was the same as she always had been to me. Radiant. She had pulled her ponytail down and had unbuttoned her checkered shirt to reveal a grey t-shirt underneath. She had paint splodges across her arms and some on her neck and cheek. She's biting her bottom lip again and I subconsciously put a hand to the corner of my mouth. She looks over and smiles, my smile, and beckons me over with a wave of her hand.

I walk over and sit on the stool next to hers and look over at what she's painting. I'm shocked, I know this place at least I think I know this place. It's basically a glass city. I turn to Clary wondering if she's feeling what I am. She looks straight back at me and nods her head and looks at the painting again. I turn back to the painting 'I don't understand. I've dreamt of this place Clary and you've drawn it'. Her head whips towards me, sending the red sparks that is her hair flying 'You've dreamt of it? I've dreamt of it Simon. Almost every night since' she pauses for a microsecond but I know what she's going to say, 'Since December' we say in unison. She looks at me again and then back at the painting that has emerald fields and sapphire lakes and me again and suddenly she's laughing. A rich laugh that comes straight from her stomach, in turn it makes me laugh.

After a few moments, she becomes silent. A light pink blush covers her cheek and says in an affectionate tone 'I always knew we was weird, but not that weird'. I chuckle and reach for her hand, slowly drawing circles across the back of it with my thumb 'but you know you love how we work' I smile and lean forward with every word. Her eyes growing wider and wider the closer I approached until her eyes was glued to my lips. I slowly puckered my lips knowing she was watching every move and then I blew in her face. The act caught her off guard and suddenly she was hitting me with her checkered shirt, laughing a vibrant laugh which is my favourite. 'You're an idiot' she says after a moment or two. 'But you're my best friend.'

The rest of dinner was spent with us laughing and talking about what to wear at Pandemonium that weekend with Clary telling me that I should never wear my Dungeons and Dragons shirt there again, Before heading to our two different lessons we decided to meet at my locker before heading to hers for Mexican.

After two hours of Chemistry and Music I find Clary stood at my locker talking to Eric. Other than Clary he has to be my best friend as I get closer I can fully hear what Eric is talking about '...but that's not great is it? What band is called the Swiss Marmalade?' I laugh as I approach them and say 'We'll figure something out don't worry' whilst putting my arm around Clary's shoulders.

As Clary and I are walking to her house, I realise that we haven't spoken about the kiss incident but by the the I decide to talk about it we're already inside. I quickly yell my hello's to Luke and Jocelyn whilst Clary does the same as we head to her room where we begin to play a quick game of Dungeon and Dragons.

A few hours later we hear a knock at Clary's door and Luke is peering in telling us our food is ready, we hastily get up and follow him but slow down when we hear whispers coming from the kitchen. The whispers suddenly stop when we see who is seated around the table. There are two free seats at the end of the table with Clary and I claim for ourselves. Across from us are Luke and Joycelyn who have just finished plating up the food. To our left is two young men, one with piercing aquatic, blue eyes and raven black hair and the other with a caramel complexion and feline eyes. To our right is Isabelle wearing a skin-tight black dress and next to her is the guy who we bumped into this morning. Oh this will be fun.

Clary and I share a quick look at one another before looking back to the rest of guests, there is a few seconds of awkward silence until Jocelyn clears her throat and begins to give introductions 'Now Clary, Simon this here is Alec and Magnus' indicating to the two men on our left. 'And this is Isabelle and Jace' indicating to the two on our right. 'Guys this is my daughter Clary and her friend Simon' we all nod at one another and suddenly Clary's hand is on mine under the table a clear sign showing that we are both feeling the same thing. _We don't want to be here._


	6. Chapter 6

_' "_ _I was thinking about the first time I ever saw you," he said, "and how after that I couldn't forget you_ _" ' – Jace, City of Glass_

Clary POV:

As soon as my hand reaches for Simons I feel instantly calmer. But why do I have to hold his hand to feel calm in my own home? I've never felt so uneasy around strangers, well I guess I can't call them strangers since I've ran into most of them.

How does my mother know these people? Why would she invite them over without even mentioning anything? Why would…Why does the blonde guy from the street keep staring at me? I pick up my knife just to make sure that there is nothing on my face, I was painting earlier at school and I can get quite messy, but no, nothing. I look back up and he is still staring at me, in fact everyone is, what did I miss?

"What? What did I miss?" I ask looking around at everyone, why are they all staring at me and not eating? Wait where is the food, of course my mom would still be cooking when I need her sat here deflecting the attention off of me. I turn my head towards Simon, wanting to ask why everyone is staring at me and I realise they aren't staring at me, they're staring at Simon. Simon who is glaring at the blonde guy, Simon who is now holding my hand in a vice like grip, Simon who is snarling, since when did Simon snarl?

I raise my hand to rest on Simon's arm to comfort him, hopefully and I hear the faintest chuckle come from the muscled brunette, I slide my eyes over to him and see him raise his shoulders in a 'what-can-you-do' motion and I still have no clue on what is going on.

"What the hell is happening? Why are you staring at Simon? And Simon, for godsakes Simon stop snarling and you" -I say pointing to the blonde guy- "What the hell did you say?" Apparently, the guests at the table didn't expect my outburst and all of their eyes slowly slide to me. When I said I wanted to know what was going on, it didn't mean that I wanted everyone staring at me. Why is no one talking at this table? Are they mimes?

"Well sweetheart, I was just asking Simon here if he agrees that Star Trek is better than Star Wars" " the blonde one starts, he stops to take a drink from the water in front of him, obviously for dramatic effect, are they being serious that this fight is over Star Trek and Star Wars? That's what this is about? The blonde guy starts talking again after clearing his throat, this guy is really dramatic "And then when he said that he prefers Star Wars, I said that Star Wars is clearly second best and always will be"

After he is done, whilst I am glad that someone explained Simon's reaction or everyone else's for that matter, it sounds so petty to be angry at that, it's a film and TV show who cares which is better?

Suddenly Simon whips his head towards me, his head bowed closely so only I can hear and whispers "He also mentioned how I, like Star Wars, must he used to be chosen second". Seriously? This random stranger comes into my home and disrespects my friend?

My head whips up to where James? Jacob? Whatever he's called and I notice his golden eyes watching me, and the anger leaves me and suddenly I'm in a cave. The muscled brunette is leaning against the wall and he looks so sad and dejected, as and the blonde guy is standing by my side. Our arms touching, our hands almost connected, outside the cave door is fire and darkness, fear creeps at my skin yet with him next to me I feel safe. I feel protected.

A quick instant later and I can't breathe, I'm at the table clutching onto Simon's hand, my eyesight is swimming and I know I'm gasping but I can't get anything out. I hear Simon screaming something, I'm not sure what but it echoes and I don't like it, I don't understand.

I'm back in the cave again and there's a monster. It's gruesome and horrifying.

I'm back at the dining table and Simon's there. It's warm and reassuring.

I'm back at the cave and I feel like I'm on fire. It's electrifying but I'm not alone.

I'm back at the dining table and my mum is there. It's all gone black.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hearts are breakable. And I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before'_   
_Isabelle Lightwood- City of Fallen Angels_

Isabelle's POV:

I've always known Clary was dramatic, the first moment I met her she jumped into a fight with a demon and then the next time we met Jace was carrying her in after a demon attack. And in all the time that I've known her my belief that she was dramatic has grown and solidified into a cold hard fact, but the last thing I expected was to see her faint at the dinner table after the most pointless and petty argument between Jace and Simon.

The next few moments are a blur of everyone running over to Clary to see if she's okay. Well, when I say everyone I mean her mother, Luke, Jace and Simon. Magnus and Alec look for too amused to even shift from their seats, whilst I just want to sit back and see how everything has changed in the past few months.

I know that before we went down that Clary and Simon were close, they always have been, they even dated once for a bit. But when I think about them together then, it doesn't feel as bad as when I think of them together now. Back then there was always the prospect of him and I getting together, even when Simon and Clary were together, we would share glances and small touches and private jokes. It was wrong but it felt right, anyway everyone could tell they had got together just because Clary couldn't be with Jace. But now, now he has no memory of me whatsoever, has no memory of our time together all he knows is his life before and Clary. His best friend Clary. The one he supposedly loved back then and probably still thinks he loves now. No matter how I feel though, no matter how much it hurts me to see Simon right now cradling Clary in his arms and taking her back to her room whilst Jocelyn and Luke follow, I can't hate her. I just can't. I may love Simon with my whole heart, but I love Clary as though she was my sister. I have never had any female friends, or any other friends other than Alec and Jace, so Clary was the first person, outside the institute, I clicked with. And even now I am wrecked with worry over how she's doing and what caused her to faint, I can't get up from the table because I'm scared that if I walk into her room I'll see Simon peppering kisses across her face and sweeping his hand up and down her arm. But most of all I'm scared to see the way he would look at her. And from Jace's position, still crouched on the floor, I can tell he's worried about the same thing, but mostly worried about Clary. Well, it's probably fifty-one percent Clary and forty-nine percent Simon's affection.

Before I met Simon, I was never like this. I could go from a new guy to a new guy each week and I wouldn't care. But now I'm a wreck, whoever said that love is the greatest thing in the whole was probably drunk or high or just plain stupid, because it sucks. It just sucks. Alec and Magnus don't seem to have this problem though, even now with all this going on, they're just sat at Jocelyn's table eating the forgotten avocado tostadas, but I know they're worried about Clary but their main priority is each other. Since the incident happened they both have been searching for remedies and solutions to get Clary and Simon their memories back and to probably get Jace and I from constantly moping around, but I can tell the lack of results and the lack of sleep is starting to get to them.

A movement makes me shift my eyes from my brother and his boyfriend to see Jocelyn, Luke and Simon trudging back into the dining room. Jocelyn and Luke both look tired, as though they have fought a war in the past few months and Simon, oh Simon, he looks as though his world is falling apart. As though, if the world ended right now, it would be a better situation than Clary being in pain.

During the time that the other three returned to the table, Jace had walked back to his seat next to me. Our hands meet underneath the table, its message clear: no matter what, we are there for each other.

'She's okay' Jocelyn tells us with a shaky breathe. Her eyes scan each and every one of us, until they finally land on Simon. When they do, they soften a little bit, maybe its because his head is slumped against the table or because if you look really closely you can see the laboured breathes of a man who is trying not to cry. 'Simon?' Jocelyn starts. 'Why don't you go and stay with Clary, just so she's not alone when she wakes up?' At this, Simon barely nods his head before he's out of the room and you can hear Clary's bedroom door shutting.

With Simon gone, Jocelyn suddenly diverts her eyes to Jace, whilst they were kind and sympathetic when looking at Simon, at Jace they are suspicious and annoyed. Her whole body becomes tense, as though she is about to pounce and I know I'm not the only one to notice because suddenly Alec is out of his seat with one hand on Jace's shoulder. Jocelyn's eyes flick to Alec before coming to rest back on Jace, whose own gaze is concentrated on the direction of Clary's room.

This goes on for a few moments everyone in tense silence, other than Jace who seems enthralled by the hallway that leads to Clary's room. It is so tense that when Jocelyn does decide to speak it sounds as though something is shattering. "This is your fault." She says and that is what breaks Jace out of his reverie. The words he has been thinking everyday for so long that he almost believes that they are true.

The old Jace that I know would throw around some loose remark and smirk, but this Jace, the broken hearted Jace, just nods. He nods not only at Jocelyn but as though he is answering a question that only he knows. "Listen" Jace starts eyes moving back to the hallway. "I know this is my fault, I'm the one who dragged her into all of this but…but I'm going to fix it because I would rather die a thousand deaths than not have her remember me for one more second."

When it comes to Jace, there are three things that I know to be true: one, he is one of the best fighters the clave has or will ever have. Two, he will never eat my cooking and three, he would rather die than lose Clary again. He would sell his soul just for her to remember him for just one minute. One minute of recognition, one minute to say I love you again. One minute to make sure that she is the only one he'll ever really love.

Jocelyn leans back into her chair, eyes still on Jace, as though she is trying to decide if she wants her daughter to remember him, but it is not Jocelyn that speaks, it is Luke. Luke who I had almost forgot was here. "Very well, lets start with what you two know" he says pointing at Alec and Magnus. With a quick look to each other, they begin to tell us everything they have found out.

It is almost eleven o'clock when Alec and Magnus finish with their findings and in all honesty I am still as lost as I was when I came here this afternoon. It could be because I haven't listened really, I've spent most of my night waiting for Simon to come out Clary's room, which he hasn't done, not yet. Not even a bathroom break.

Alec and Magnus are pointing out different passages in a book to Jocelyn and Luke when I decide enough is enough. My chair scrapes across the floor as I head into the kitchen area, getting two glasses from the cupboard and placing it under the tap is when I finally notice I am not alone. Jace has followed me in here.

During the time when Jace thought Clary was his sister was horrible he was never happy, never smiled and if he did it was more like a sardonic smirk than anything else. But I would rather take that Jace over the one who is stood next to me right now. This Jace is a ghost, not a ghost of his former self or any of that crap, but an actual ghost. You cant hear him enter or leave rooms, he doesn't speak much anymore, the only time when he does really speak is when he sleeps, but its not speaking its more like screaming. He always screams the same thing over and over and over and over. Clary.

I know once I go in the direction of Clary's room he'll return to the others, but the little pressure on my arm is a silent reminder that we are in this together, him and me. Me and him. Until all of this blows over. Clary's home is not big, its not tiny but its definitely not big but the walk from the kitchen to Clary's room feels like it takes hours. My hands that have been trained to remain steady in battle are shaking around the glasses of water, making small sloshing sounds as I move forward. The hallway to Clary's room holds pictures on one side and paintings on the other. You cannot tell which are Clary's and which are Jocelyn's as they are both as good as each other, but the side with the pictures is the hardest to look at. Most are just Jocelyn, Luke and Clary when Clary was growing up. A picture here with Clary on Luke's shoulders with an ice-cream and an overly large sunhat and a picture there with Jocelyn and Luke sat next to each other in a café caught laughing in the picture as a smaller Clary tried to fit her face in whilst also taking the picture, resulting in seeing very small nostril, a hint of smiling lips and a red head leaned all the way back. These pictures are the pictures I can stomach, the ones I can handle. The ones I can't are pictures of very, very young Simon and Clary playing in a sandbox creating castles or a picture of Simon and Clary after Simons first gig. His face is sweaty and he is drenched but the way Clary is holding him shows that she doesn't care. She holds him tight as though she is scared to let go and he holds her the exact same way back, as though all that's keeping them on the ground is holding onto each other. No, these are the pictures that I cannot look at.

After what feels like forever, I finally reach Clary's door. Raising a knuckle to knock on and making sure I don't spill the glasses, I silently prepare myself for what I'm about to see. When the door finally opens seconds later (but it feels like years) Simon is stood at the door. Glasses askew and hair pointing any which but flat, this is my Simon. My Simon. Not Clary's, Not Maia's mine.

Gathering my courage and throwing my most seductive smile I can muster right now, I slowly push past a dazed Simon and throwing my hair over my shoulder as I make my way into the centre of Clary's room, my eyes meet Simons. "Do you mind if I join you?".


End file.
